Closure and Moving On - Post Breakup


I've been debating this post for a while now, I thought about writing it a few months ago - but I'm glad I didn't. It's not that I haven't moved on, or been comfortable being single I just never felt that I could write a post on this until I realised that I was giving advice to friends recently and they were able to relate easily and it made sense. It sounds daft but when you go through a breakup, initially nothing make sense. There's so much doubt, uncertainty and blame that we place on ourselves. Before we get into this post just note, it's going to be a long one. Not everything will apply to you and there might even be some things you don't want to read/hear. I'm no relationship guru, I'm not here to make out that breakup's are easy and within one week you'll be back to your normal self - because you won't be. Everything I'm writing is only based on what I've learnt from my ex-relationship and split. Things that happened to me may not even apply to you, or even the way I felt. As you're reading this, take from it what you can and just know that the pain you're feeling doesn't last forever.

I don't want to compare a break-up to losing a family member, your pet or even falling out of friendships. It's very different, but love can hurt and nothing can even prepare you for it. Your closest friends won't be able to comfort you nor your family because the one person you want, is the reason you feel this pain and they're not there for you. The sad reality that you'll face is how soon you'll feel the person you spent your time with (whether that's months, years or even decades), you no longer know them. You feel like you never knew that person.

When you're initially going through the breakup you question everything. Everything about the relationship, everything about them, about yourself - was I not good enough for you? What did I do wrong? Is there someone else? But why do we always blame ourselves? How about actually, I am more than good enough for you and I have done nothing except be myself throughout our relationship and given 110%. Perhaps you'll even start to realise that you put in far more work into the relationship than maybe they did. Remember that relationships should be 50/50, was yours? If not you simply deserve better.
No relationship is ever a waste of your time. If it didn't bring you what you want, it taught you what you don't want.
After the day we broke up I didn't know how I'd go about my day, my life - how would I get back to normal? It just so happens that this day was my first day at my previous job with ASOS. Already nervous about starting at a new place I had this to deal with too. I couldn't listen to music or watch certain TV shows. Everything felt like a constant reminder of him. What made it worse is that my birthday was just under a month away which we had booked a beautiful place to stay down in Bath for a couple of nights. I'd also booked a surprise trip for the two of us to Paris to celebrate what would've been our third year together back in August. All these things that we had planned for the future just felt like they had been thrown away.

We feel like the world stops when we go through this, that no one has got it as bad as you. How ridiculous does this sound though? The day after my breakup last year the Ariana Grande Manchester attack happened. Now tell me what's worse, children losing their lives or being dumped by my boyfriend? Exactly. This really made me think twice. I'm not telling you that what you're going through is easy but, think about what you're going through on a larger scale. This really put it into perspective for me and I had to tell myself 'your problem is nothing compared to what has just happened to these families.' That's what you have to do, talk to yourself. Not necessarily out-loud but as odd as it sounds, this really helped me to move on. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Harsh but true sadly.

You will learn a lot about yourself being single again. 
Don't believe that being single has a negative impact on your life. In fact, I've learnt so much about myself and what I want in a relationship since being single. Don't get me wrong, at first I was a mess - like we all are after a breakup.When he said he didn't want to be with me anymore it hit me like a ton of bricks and then I'd wake up for days after and think it was just a dream. You'll realise what you want from your next partner, perhaps even where you went wrong in your previous relationship. We all have our faults, but we are human. We'll make mistakes daily but it isn't until we have the time to reflect that we realise this. 

You will learn to enjoy your own company. 
If you haven't already, you'll soon realise just how much time you spent with that person and how much more time you now have on your hands. Don't be at war with yourself and your thoughts. Treat yourself, not necessarily with extravagant and materialistic things but even if there is a something you've had your eye on for a while, buy it. It's about putting you first now. Give yourself a pamper evening, put your feet up and watch a few films that you love. Binge watch that Netflix show, watch your favourite Youtube channel whilst eating your favourite takeaway or home cooked meal. Take yourself out and don't wait on other people. It's all about the little things. Do something that makes you happy. Take up a new hobby, join the gym or even book a trip away. I'd of never had thought about travelling alone when I was with my ex. I've got three trips lined up this year, all solo. Spain, Rome and Edinburgh and I couldn't be more excited to experience these places. I've always enjoyed my own company and space but now more than ever. For those of you who don't know, I moved out of my family home back in December 2017 and have been in a house share since then. So I've had to become more independent than ever but I've taken it all on board as a positive experience and it's just a new chapter in my life.
Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.
Set a focus and stay busy. 
Incredibly important. This almost contradicts my previous point about learning to love your own company but find the balance. No doubt that if your breakup is still new to you you just want to lay in bed all day, cry and feel sorry for yourself. Don't do it. Don't call in sick to work, don't turn down any social events or invitations that come you way. Stay busy with your friends and family, plan meals out, weekends away, nights out - whatever it is that you love doing, make plans and do it. 

Don't overthink or put yourself down. 
You'll start comparing yourself, wondering why things didn't work out and spend sleepless nights asking yourself if there's something you could've done differently. Truth is, everything happens for a reason. I may not have those reasons, no one does, but I firmly believe that. Give yourself the respect you deserve and just know that nothing could've changed what happened. Long term it won't be worth wasting so much time and energy worrying about the what should've and could've happened. Why are you spending time thinking about the what if's? It saddens me when my beautiful friends think less of themselves just because one person in their life has let them down. They often come crawling back sooner or later, realising what they've lost but please don't cave in.

Don't go back. 
This appears harsher than how I mean for it to come across. Though I do believe you shouldn't go back to an ex. Don't get me wrong, for a few weeks after we split I would've taken him back in a second...only because I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I didn't feel good enough for anyone else. It is true what they say, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Remember there's a reason why you broke up. Even if you think you could mend the relationship, chances are you could never fully trust each other again. Ask yourself, would the relationship really be the same after the first breakup?

Don't beg and question them. 
So much races through our minds after the split and as much as we want an answer to questions there and then, you're not always going to get them. When my ex and I split I was left with no explanation as to why he was breaking up with me, until about six months later. So I did find it incredibly hard at the start to not attempt getting in contact with him. The worst thing you can do is chase them down and send constant messages. Do not bring out your inner psycho, we all have one haha. They've made the decision to let you go, whether they change their mind later on is another story.
He's going to be sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past, forget the pain and remember what an incredible woman you are.
Time is the greatest healer. 
I know it's the most cliché saying you have heard but it's so true. You will not forget the pain as time goes on but it won't hurt like it does now. You'll look back and be kicking yourself at how low you let yourself get, over someone who was once a stranger and played no part in your life, that's how I look at it now. I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself, becoming so emotionally drained and wondering how I'd get by day to day. Friends who have had similar breakups to me ask the same question - 'how long did it take you to move on?' answer...'I don't know.' I honestly don't. We broke up the end of May and I remember feeling so low on my birthday and couldn't wait for it to be over, this was mid June. How long it takes to move on is also down to you, not anyone else. Which leads me to my next point...

You need to let go. 
About two or three days after we broke up I packed up everything that belonged to him. Clothes, cards (Valentine's, Christmas, Birthday's) and everything that had memories. I even had the receipt from our first date bowling. This is the biggest step you can make to moving on. Ask yourself why you're hanging onto their belongings? In reality, you're only hurting yourself more than you need to. You can be strong and give these up. If you don't want to make direct contact, you don't need to rush. Just pack them up and have them in bags that aren't in view. Put them in the loft, the spare room - somewhere that isn't easily accessible. The last thing you want to do is unpack them because you can't bring yourself to part with them. I didn't give him back everything, some things I have kept which I couldn't bring myself to give back. Pandora jewellery, even teddies I'd been given over the years. My jewellery I couldn't wear for a few solid months, it was too much of a reminder.

You'll still think about them everyday. 
It's been just over a year now and everyday he goes through my head. Not for long, it can be half a second sometimes but we were in each others lives, everyday for almost three years. Then suddenly, there was no more communication. No more good morning text messages, no more asking 'how was your day?' and no future plans to be made. I promise you these thoughts won't hurt like they do now. I don't get upset if he passes through my thoughts, what do I have to be upset about? I've moved on.

No two breakups are the same, because you didn't have the same relationship - but we experience the same or very similar emotions. Don't compare your break up to others and wonder why they moved on faster, it might take you three weeks, it might take you three months. Take as long as you need. It's going to be a mentally tiring process but if you put yourself first and reflect (not dwell) on your past relationship, you will find closure. Remember, no one can give you closure other than yourself.

Everything I've written is far easier said than done but I've been there and I've come out on the other side stronger, far more independent and confident than I ever have been. I hope this post has helped anyone going through a break up, I promise that in time you will leave the pain behind and start a fresh new chapter in your life. ❤

*Purchased stock photo used - By Light And Grace

What's your opinion?

  1. This post was quite long but very detailed and helpful. Thanks for sharing girl. Never stop writing

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    Replies
    1. Indeed, it could've been much longer! So much to write about, hard to keep it concise. Thank you - very sweet! x

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